Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
All I want is dick and wine.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
