Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
