I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize