I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
