I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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