thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
