believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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