no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
