I wish I only lived at night.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
