he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
