The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
