New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
