you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm bleeding and have questions
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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