I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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