Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
