Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
