Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
