Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
