Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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