I feel great
I just peed on a car
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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