I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Randomize
