I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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