were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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