I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
