tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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