Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
