Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
