at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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