Dual....:-)
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
