grandma shit on top of the toilet
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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