Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
