Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize