I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
