if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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