My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
