I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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