The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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