when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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