I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
