If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
