my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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