He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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