I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
