Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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