my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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