I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
