Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
