note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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