My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
How does one acquire holy water?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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