I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
