Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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