boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
