Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize