I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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