I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
