What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
