I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize