my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize