Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
